Spray Paint

Frank Leyland:

Dear  Tom McMato,

After our last rousing discussion topic, I've decided to swing our conversation into a slightly more awesome direction: Spray paint. One of the streets I drive to work every day has a total lack of lines on it. The road is wide enough for two cars, but no one is ever really sure if it should be two lanes or not. Even worse, at one point in the road there is a stop light at  a "T" intersection. My road continues straight and there is a side street (though well traveled) intersecting at the right (see attached image). The problem is that most normal people stay to the left side, even though there isn't any indication that you have to, so that anyone who wants to turn right while our light is red can pull up to the intersection. This is common sense. However, there is always someone who sees the line of cars to the left, goes into the right lane even though they are going straight as well, and them blows by everyone when the light turns green. This angers me to no end. There is an easy solution to this, and that is to sit in the middle of the road so that no one can pass you, however, then you end up feeling like an asshole because you are preventing anyone from turning right no red. It's a catch 22.

So my solution is to go out at night and spray paint lines and arrows on the road, making it clear to everyone what you should be doing. Does this make me a super hero? I'd like to think so. Anything you would like to paint?

James McClure:

I will reply in more detail, but the solution to this is to get in the right hand lane and pass everyone sitting in the left. Use the rules to your advantage. That is what they are there for.

Yes, landscapes and still life in a realistic/impressionistic style.  Come on.  Paint.  This is what you come up with... spray paint.  We have covered one topic and you jump straight to spray paint.  Of all of the worthwhile topics, I can't believe that you jump to this.  List of worst topics that we've covered: 1. Spray paint, 2. Tomatoes and their botanical classification schemes.  Unfortunately, list of best topics that we've covered: 1. Tomatoes and their botanical classification schemes, 2. Spray paint.

  

You have a misunderstanding about the road system.  The point is to get traffic through points in the most efficient way possible; one car can wait where it could otherwise make a right on red to prevent congestion above an intersection.  If the city planners wanted a right turn only lane they could have easily created one.  I imagine that the light cycles are set to avoid excessive waiting on the two way side of the intersection.  Because the two way street is two lanes above and below the light, it is beneficial for traffic to utilize both lanes to proceed straight.  The people making right hand turns can wait with everyone else.  When the majority of traffic moves left in order to facilitate the few cars proceeding right, they back traffic up, possibly to lights further up stream than the one you are at.  Further, not as many cars can pass this point on any one cycle using the left only, leading to more congestion.  If both lanes are used this intersection would be less likely to serve as a funneling point.  You and your over-considerate companions have turned this light into an hour glass with two lanes above and below, but only one passing this point at any time.

Solution: stop trying to save the world, use the right lane, stop causing traffic, let civil engineers plan traffic patterns, and leave the spray paint in your garage

\

Frank Leyland:

This isn't really a topic about spray paint, more a conversation about traffic patterns, which, while falling ahead of Tomatoes on the "best of" List, is still fairly awful. Still, I find it favorable for our future prospects that we can generate lots of words about boring shit.

The basic flaw in your argument is that you assume Pittsburgh has a city planner. This is a city that 'created' a beltway system by putting up signs with colored dots on random roads around this city.

Notice that three of the ‘belts’ don't even connect, making them squiggly lines, not belts.

Further, this city has a single road (and a rather major one at that) that follows this path.

That is correct; you must turn 3 times to stay on this road.

Plus, you missed the part where the road isn't marked as a two lane road. I would be fine with it being two lanes and both can go straight, but then mark it that way and cut out all the confusion. I'm not trying to save the world, I'm just trying to get to 'work' without thinking too much.

p.s.  I don't live with my parents so I don't have a garage

James McClure:

First: we will be editing your P.S. message out of this string.

Second: this isn't a discussion about the poor road planning in Pittsburgh (let’s not regionalize ourselves like that).  This is a conversation about you not appropriately using the right hand lane to your own benefit when you travel to work.

Frank Leyland:

[What’s wrong with my ps?]

[Let's use these guys "[ ]" for non-article side bars]

There ISN’T an actual right hand lane. There is just a one lane road wide enough for two cars. The road needs a line, and I want to put it there because I've been dealing with this bullshit for 5 years. I'm doing the public a service.

Plus, I didn't regionalize this conversation by discussing some of Pittsburgh's finer roads because I provided maps. If I just said "You know how F-ed up Bigelow street is...”, that would be regionalized. The maps makes it very clear to anyone on this or any other planet that I am talking about a city that has a street that is in the shape of a fishing hook.

James McClure:

I'm just suggesting that I wouldn't be that interested in the "crazy" roads of St. Louis.  I'd never get to the maps.

Frank Leyland:

You don't have to go to the maps dude. The map would be a "tit-bit" on the side of the conversation. It would be right there. You would literally HAVE to look at it. Isn't that your idea...

Plus, are you telling you don't find it interesting that there is a road that is 3.6 miles long, but only travels 2.1 miles in linear distance.

James McClure:

all in all, not bad.

Frank Leyland:

[I think you meant to bracket that last comment]

[this still feels like it is missing a concluding statement(s). perhaps we should always either end in total agreement; complete with heaps of glorious praise for each other, or in total disagreement; with several slanderous remarks.]

Tomatoes

James McClure:

So now that I've looked it up I know that tomatoes are not only fruits, but they are also berries (not berries: blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, and mulberries). Vegetables are all of the edible plant parts (fairly self explanatory - the edible vegetative portions of plants). We have that Supreme Court Case that is interesting http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nix_v._Hedden . I think that it is fairly obvious that the court was not going to rule against the tax. If it were a fruit tax (vegetables exempt), I can't imagine that the case would have been taken on appeal. If it were it would have probably been two lines: "The tomato is a fruit. It is clearly subject to this properly assessed tax."

In general we have most of the information necessary to put this article together. Maybe we need a rotten tomato video, or a quick salsa or sauce recipe to link/reproduce, but most of the meat is here.

How do we start one of these topics? Do we need to write fictitious messages to start the chain? It won't be very interesting if I blast out 500 words about the entire topic. So, where to now?

Frank Leyland:

Here are the issues I see.

1. I totally agree that brevity within any individual email is key. This should read as a conversation, not dueling diatribes.
2. This issue is kind of dead in the water because we already know the answer. We need topics that either A: doesn't have a definitive answer, or B. have definitive answers that we don't know (this leads to an argument followed by a solution brought to us by "The Google")
3. This particular topic could fit into one of your small running segments titled "Functional Definitions" where we explain differences between calzones and stromboli or fruits and veggies.

James McClure:

This one has a lot of great side info that could float around the primary topic in little side boxes.For example:

Heirloom tomato varieties and histories.

Tomato salsa recipes.

Gazpacho, history and a suggested plating.

berries, and not berries.

best available YouTube video for tomato.

Common tomato pests and diseases.

I'm sure that there are others. I think that this could be the successful format. Center article you and I discussing the classification of tomato as a fruit/vegetable/berry, and the related info to that, with basically "related links" around the perimeter. So that there is a whole bunch of bs factoids floating out there. I think that our arguments are plagued by a lot of that, but if we try to inject that into the meat of the article the point of the article will be lost. (the berry/not berry is a good example of this)

Frank Leyland:

Dude, we cannot possibly have an entire periodical about tomatoes. No one cares that much about tomatoes, not even H.J. Heinz. What is the primary topic anyways? Are tomatoes fruits or veggies? Who cares? They taste like shit unless soaked in vinegar or sugar, smashed, thickened, and placed on top of bread and a ton of melted cheese. We need to discuss real issues like which one of the Olsen twins is the F-ed up one? (seriously, I can't tell them apart), or where does curling rank on the list of best beer drinking sports?

James McClure:

1. I think that both Olsen twins are F-ed up. Why can't they just be hot and have successful careers?Seems like there is a lot of wasted potential there.
2. Heinz cares plenty. I'm pretty sure that they have their own tomato breeding program. Come on, they're whole corporate identity is based on the tomato. They care.
3. I don't see why we can't have a main portion of the article with related subjects surrounding it. Small box tid-bits, not full blown discussions. In fact, the small boxes should only be one person's work.
4. I don't think that curling even makes it into the decathlon at the beer Olympics.
5. Grow your own tomatoes. I never liked raw tomato until I grew my own. Home-grown fresh tomatoes are actually good raw.

Further, even if you don't like them by themselves, you can barely find an american food that doesn't include tomatoes: BBQ sauce, ketchup, all vegetable based soups, pizza/pasta sauce (therefore, all Italian-American food), salsa (therefore, all Mexican-American food), all deli sandwiches, nearly every salad, and a whole bunch of specific dishes - they're in most Mac-and-cheese recipes. If you never eat tomatoes or tomato products, you would be likely to starve in america. Show some respect.

P.S. The idea of a side article about definitions isn't a bad idea. The name "Functional Definitions" is the worst name ever suggested. No one would ever know it was a section about the several varieties of Italian meat and cheese breads.

Frank Leyland:

Forgot to use italics with Heinz. Sorry. I meant to say Not even H.J. Heinz cares about tomatoes.

I'm not saying we can't have 'tid-bit boxes" (great name by the way, did you pick that up from play time at your kindergarten class?), I'm just saying that a box discussing gazpacho is really gay. I guess when you converse with a guy named Jay McGay, you get some really bad ideas. (Editors note: For all past and future bloarticals neither of us are using the word "gay" in a way discriminating against anyones sexual persuasion. We are using it in the "South Park" manner (reference: South Park Season 7 Episode 8 http://www.southparkstudios.com/guide/episodes/s07e08-south-park-is-gay ).

Do you read what I write? I said tomatoes only taste good when mashed, thickened, and sugared (re: BBQ sauce, ketchup, all vegetable based soups, pizza/pasta sauce (therefore, all Italian-American food), salsa (therefore, all Mexican-American food)

James McClure:

I understood that when you said gay, that you didn't mean to offend anyone but me. I think that everyone else is up to speed with this fine Joey Porter type logic http://deadspin.com/#!221529/joey-porter-didnt-mean-to-offend-you-he-just-meant-to-offend-the-fag .

Frank Leyland:

Before you proceed to insult Joey Porter we might want to put this issue to rest...

James McClure:

Some video Links for the “side topics”

Rotting tomato:

I'm afraid that this is who we really are:

By far the best that I've found:

This gem is unrelated, but was found during the search for tomato vids:

Frank Leyland:

Can't get the first video, the second is exactly why we won't be doing a post about tomatoes; the third... what the fucking Fuck?!?

ps. The last one is hilarious.

James McClure:

I think the sexy tomato is perfect for the tomato article: best youtube vid. The one with the kid talking is perfectly critical of our idea.

Frank Leyland:

Wait... are you serious about the tomato article? I thought that us arguing about including a tomato article was the article.

You’re talking about pen names, and tomato growing seasons, and sending videos of a fruit and a vegetable having sex. I can't tell which way is up... this idea is totally fucked.

James McClure:

No, I agree, I thought that we wrapped up the basics, now I'm doing some tid bits. Do you have any suggestions?

Frank Leyland:

These guys rule:

Also, did you know peoples use to think tomatoes were poisonous, until one dude ate a basket full trying to kill himself and didn't die.

James McClure:

See, perfect tid bit.

Frank Leyland:

Much better than gazpacho recipes. I think this one is wrapped up with a bow. Still need a website... And a name

James McClure:

Yes and yes.

What is this?

Frank Leyland:

The origin of this non-physical exercise (due to my "co-authors" tiny lung capacity) stems from many late night/early morning discussions and the advent of 'Google'. Ever since joining my cousin at the prestigious (for drinking), and gorgeous (because it is in the middle of nowhere, and hence the avid drinking) Penn State, we have argued incessantly about everything. These discussions have annoyed nearly everyone around us; roommates, friends, soon to be burglars, soon to be women we blew a chance at hooking up with, etc, for three main reasons:

1. We often have no idea what we are talking about.
2. We spend half of the time googling the topic so we can actually make coherent arguments
3. The discussion almost always devolves into us shouting over each other. 

Now if you have ever worked in, observed, or even grasp the general notion of broadcasting you will probably come to the conclusion that the above issues leave a lot of 'dead air', making for a horrible podcast. Fortunately for you we came to the same conclusion (that and neither of us currently have enough money to set up a proper recording, a voice that sounds 'good', nor the drive to actually leave our own homes and travel the 5 miles to the others house).

However, I feel that our conversations are both funny and interesting, and thus deserved to be shared with more people than just my poor wife, my poor dog, and anyone else lucky enough to be trapped in the room. The idea is simple. We will argue, via emails, any topic that we find interesting, and then post our discussion 'as-is’. The first interesting topic is, of course: What is this, and will it work? I say yes. You?

Name:

We will need to edit these chains before we can publish them.  Our conversations are not so pure that we can unleash them to publication without proofing and modification.

I will be writing as Censored.  I’ve wanted to get this pen name out there for a while. 

No, you may not call me Censored.

I think that you need to modify your voice.  Rather than addressing the audience, we should directly address each other, as if the audience does not exist, even to the point that we can discuss the audience in the third person when appropriate/desired (ex: Is there a way to trick people into downloading this page?  I don't really care if they read it).

Being that this is a blog, I think that we should try to distinguish it by calling it an Internet periodical - we should make a rule that we never call it a blog.  There are plenty of blogs about nothing; however, I don't currently subscribe to any internet periodicals.  Weekly/bimonthly publishing is recommended.  I think that your main idea would be something like a headline, or primary topics, but I think that we need 5-7 side topics that are reoccurring.  I suggest beer of the week as one.  I also think that a fantasy sports corner would be good as well.  Maybe a YouTube clip of the week and a Product of the week/month (new and antique/retro).  

We should also work on a parenthetical title/description for the magazine, something that gives a taste of the flavor and a quick description. 

Also, how will we publish this?

Name:

This idea could work.  I consider it an internet periodical.  We need a main discussion section, and some reoccurring topics that are regularly updated.  The big questions that I see are what do we call our periodical and what topics do we start with?

As for names I'm not coming up with much. 

I'm a little better on topics.  I think that we should have:

A beer of the week. 

A YouTube clip of the week.

A product of the week/month (new and retro/antique)

A sports section

A fantasy sports section

What are your thoughts?

Frank Leyland:

Rule #1: You can't post two emails back to back. I was in the middle of a response and now I have to cut and paste into a new draft, and then figure out where to add my comments to your second email... arguing with you is work enough without these added difficulties.

The parenthesis around as-is  was meant to imply that they would not be exactly as originally written. That being said, I think that over editing will remove the conversational writing, which, I believe, is our nitch. In fact, my sole goal in these periodicals will be to anger you enough that you prattle off incoherent rants, which will, no doubt, be funnier than anything you spend any amount of time thinking about before you write. This is your charm.

Your comment does bring up a good point though. My humor is so dry that I think I need to come up with a way to identify when I'm am being sarcastic. I vote italics.

I refuse to call you Censored. Why don't you just go by Censored, it is your real name after all. 

As far as my voice goes, I will talk to whomever I want, whenever I like. Right now I'm talking to you Cheese. Later, I might be engaging the readers, or have a personal moment with Keanu Reaves.

Love the periodical i.e. the anti-blog, and I think we need to get a website in order to 'publish' it (maybe we should have done that before having this discussion).

For side topics, I agree, but I don't think this all needs to happen at once. Let's figure out if we can actually argue interestingly via emails before we try to promote things.

We need a name...

"Two dudes, one blog"

"Two guys argue about random shit"

"The question guys"

"Are tomatoes fruits? and other things you never knew you wanted to know"

Name:

1.  It is a periodical.  Each email chain would be a topic.

2.  Why won't you call me by my name?  Do you have a problem with Censored?

Name:

I'm not so sure that I'm buying any of these names.  Three of your proposed titles sound like John Candy movie titles.  The other one is clearly better suited for an article than for the entire thing.

I still don't have a good idea for the name.  I'm trying to think but the word "non-blog" keeps interrupting my train of thoughts.  Terrible.

Rather than give any ideas, I'm just going to state that a two or three word title with alliteration would be best.  You can attempt some new names.

Name:

What about “Leyland and Censored” as a name?

Frank Leyland:

First. That name alliterates to LA?, which is horrible. Sounds like a blog about two old ladies discussing quilting.

Second, Censored... seriously. I really hope you are kidding about a pen name.

More proposed names:

“Bread and butter”

 “I'm just saying”

“That's not a Flashlight, it’s a...”

Name:

Well, not really, what's wrong with a pen name?

Alliteration is not making a new word out of the first letter of each word; it's using words that have similar consonant sounds.  Like Sally sells sea shells.  

I'm having second thoughts about this.  Do you know anyone who wants to read this?

Frank Leyland:

Well that is the first funny thing you said all day. Perhaps the issue is with the lame topic. Picking a name is inherently boring.

You use a pen name when you are in a porno or writing a romance novel, not when you are attempting to start a writing career. Plus how can we convince readers that we are honestly discussing a topic when you are using a fake name.

Name:

How will anyone else know that my name isn't Censored? Also, once we have this figured out, I don't think that we should publish this topic.

If you want your name to be Tommy Thompson, I have no problem with that.

Frank Leyland:

This one needs some serious editing. Also needs a more defined and narrow topic. There are some good moments in here though (mostly mine). See you at the library.

Name:

See you there.  We need a real first topic.  This is something a few leagues lower than Busch league.

Frank Leyland:

Old German league?

http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/old-german-premium-lager/7630/

Name:

More like Gold Crown.

http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/gold-crown/41380/

Frank Leyland:

Defiantly 'Brew City' league (tastes like meat).

http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/brew-city-ice-big-city-ice/35564/

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